This is a vent. Be harsh on me, call me names - idgaf, i just wanna vent !
Like my friend, J and I have been friends since we were pre teens. Now we are both in our mid to late 20's ( hag era, i know ) . I like her but I am starting to hate her more and more. She has everything I want while putting in less than half the effort and it makes me sick !
for starters, I have a BMI of 16.5 at the moment, it fluctuates between 16 and 17. I eat vegan, healthy, work out on my periods and I wake up early. I work out atleast 7 to 8 hours a week. Yet, I do not have abs ! My stomach is still not flat. My lower pooch won't disappear; I have prayed, I have meditated, I have manifested but no ! I even tried raw vegan, juicing, cleansing, water week etc. I still do not have fully flat stomach. I also have uneven hip dips and I have only thigh gap at my lower thighs. Like my thighs stick at the top. I feel like dying whenever I look at my body. Because of all this mess, I cannot date or go out. What if someone points out the holes in my hips ?
My friend has a BMI of 20 to 22, she does not starve, she is not vegan. I have seen her eat carbs without making a scene. Like, she ate a potato salad that day and I felt odd ? She has abs tho, idk how. Her stomach is flat, she also has hip dips but she does not care, I once asked her about them and she was like ' who cares ? ' She has bigger thigh gap than me tho, despite being heavier. I really like her abs, I sometimes wonder how it must feel to touch that hard surface, how liberating it must feel to not suck in or worry about the kangaroo pouch. Sometimes when I enter her home, I smell the chicken or shrimp she cooks and I feel like crying. I miss meat so much...
Like my friend, J and I have been friends since we were pre teens. Now we are both in our mid to late 20's ( hag era, i know ) . I like her but I am starting to hate her more and more. She has everything I want while putting in less than half the effort and it makes me sick !
for starters, I have a BMI of 16.5 at the moment, it fluctuates between 16 and 17. I eat vegan, healthy, work out on my periods and I wake up early. I work out atleast 7 to 8 hours a week. Yet, I do not have abs ! My stomach is still not flat. My lower pooch won't disappear; I have prayed, I have meditated, I have manifested but no ! I even tried raw vegan, juicing, cleansing, water week etc. I still do not have fully flat stomach. I also have uneven hip dips and I have only thigh gap at my lower thighs. Like my thighs stick at the top. I feel like dying whenever I look at my body. Because of all this mess, I cannot date or go out. What if someone points out the holes in my hips ?
My friend has a BMI of 20 to 22, she does not starve, she is not vegan. I have seen her eat carbs without making a scene. Like, she ate a potato salad that day and I felt odd ? She has abs tho, idk how. Her stomach is flat, she also has hip dips but she does not care, I once asked her about them and she was like ' who cares ? ' She has bigger thigh gap than me tho, despite being heavier. I really like her abs, I sometimes wonder how it must feel to touch that hard surface, how liberating it must feel to not suck in or worry about the kangaroo pouch. Sometimes when I enter her home, I smell the chicken or shrimp she cooks and I feel like crying. I miss meat so much...
She also has a much prettier face than me... she was born with it, Her parents are good looking and have short midfaces. She inherited that feature and looks so vibrant. She also does not use expensive skincare and is not on skintok. Yet, her skin is nice, like it looks so shiny and bouncy. I have seen her shelf and it is just basic cheap skincare with problematic formulation. Isn't it unfair that she makes little to no effort but gets rewarded handsomely while I suffer like this ?
She also does not study much. She has a lot of hobbies and studies only for a few hours. She sees connection in unrelated things and understands things easier. I study 10 hours a day and still mess up. Whenever we solve puzzles, she figures out the answers easier and earlier, it feels like a gutpunch.
I have always wanted to look model like, I grew up on tumblr and pinterest, My wallpapers were VLADA and SNEJANA. 1989 ERA Taylor was the only pop girl I allowed myself to admire, I also loved male models. Something about handsome and thin men .... like, if I became thin enough, maybe I will attract one... I always saw those cigarette smoking, sunken cheeks having, sleep deprived male models to be the ultimate fantasy. * sigh * Anyway, my friend J, is dating a male model ! like, a model signed to a top modeling agency ! he has walked for major designers and shit ! Not a top model but he is quite known. That man is around 16 to 17 BMI and looks food-deprived wtf. But, he and my friend get along so well. He is completely smitten by her, he always brings her things from work trips like small jewels, hair pins and one time he even got her an antique mirror once ! He always looks at her like she got stars in the eyes - He always initiates skinship with her too, like he would randomly touch her hair or kiss her temple : ( She is not into fashion and cannot tell Miu Miu from Chanel or the art of Miuccia Prada from Donatella Versace. She does not know the excellence of Sasha Luss or the glam of DSquared2 ! But, she got engaged to marry this model last summer and my god, I cried so much. What does he see in a mid BMI girl ? why is he not with a matching skinny girl ? Like, he looks at her with adoration and genuine love, not lust and that is so confusing. Before you ask me, no, my friend is neither top heavy or bottom heavy - she has assets on both ends but nothing cartoonish or goddess-tier.
I should be happy for her but all I can wonder is why not me ? I should have abs, I should have nice skin, I should have better grades, I should have model boyfriend who appreciates my knowledge of fashion but no... It is she that wins and I , that mourns.
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