[PC stories/Kpop takes] KPOP IS A HYPERFIXATION I NEED TO FIX

I feel like my attachment to kpop and korean entertainment is not healthy. I've been visiting netizenbuzz, pannchoa, soompi since ten years ago. getting updates and reading the comments sections were addicting though I am a lurker. it became my morning newspaper. I no longer visit soompi or netizenbuzz at all now.

I never really was a super duper die hard fan of any group. I listen to many groups and knew the members names. I grew up as a loner in school and became more isolated as I got a chronic illness since 5 years ago. kpop wasnt really an open thing at my school or I guess it was between exo and bts, but most times I didnt really enjoy kpop with anyone irl. Talking to people irl at concerts: some are even more die hard to me and I feel polarized by them and feel like i fall short of stanning. kpop variety shows like Weekly idol were so fun to watch in 2nd gen and 3rd gen and I felt like it just replaced my need for friends irl... although after i graduated high school i regretted it a lot. being socially isolated when sick caused me to live vicariously through idols making moves in advancing their lives and memories

I remember talking to this older guy about dating (in general ) and he said my high beauty standards in men is because kpop ruined my perception of beauty. I mean he was not wrong. I should care more about the beauty of people on the inside instead of their outside. But at the same time, yes i cannot deny kpop influenced how attracted I am to people. growing up I did not see much asians in hollywood media and kpop did make me more confident in my asian features. However, it also made me insecure too because eurocentric beauty standards are still everywhere... yet also the east asian beauty standards are also still uniquely them. I don;t meet them either and it made me feel like I could never be beautiful by any standard. my mom has called me ugly bc of my chronic illness affects my appearance and I have been crumbling down.

i really wanted to be pretty like those actresses and idols i liked

i also felt jealous when i was on dating apps bc i listed kpop as my interest. I talked about kpop with a few matches and their biases in kpop made me feel unwell bc I could never be as pretty as them or felt like my personality was not enough for them.


I cant help but feel that my attachment to kpop is trauma-based and I feel unwell. i stopped listening to most kpop groups this year and new music. i stopped watching kdramas this year. I somehow feel a little better being emotionally unattached to the actors and idols. as for a new supply of dopamine, unfortunately i did become addicted to tiktok instead. i dont think that is good for me either. besides visiting this site, i dont engage much in fandom anything like watching content but i am still attached to pictures.

but now I feel so at odds with kpop because it was a huge chunk of my life. I did not spend time on building a normal hobby I could use to engage with others. i knew some people who used kpop to become better at dance. i admire them, but as for me im just not gifted in self coordination and rhythm. i met people in person but i dont think any of them really like me much. I feel socially stunted and socially anxious. i feel like i am still attached to kpop but trying to heal my attachment to make it healthy. I dont know if anyone would accept me being attached to kpop idols/celebritity pictures because I want look more like them. am i the only one here who relates to this ?

 

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